In honor of this book I'm reading (which is also something to be celebrated in its own right because it's my first "train" book; i.e. the first book I have committed to reading solely as I do the 40+ minute commute to and from work), "The Autograph Man," I thought, "now wouldn't it be fun to make a list of what I consider 'Jewish' and what I consider 'goyish.'" There's a whole subplot of the book that's reserved for the main character's musings about a book he's writing which addresses this exact issue. Sometimes he'll look at something or someone and just have a feeling as to whether it's Jewish or goyish, and being Jewish, this sort of makes sense to me in this weird, "it's just the way it is" sort of vibe.
For those of you who aren't up on the terminology, "goyish" refers to someone who's non-Jewish. So that's basically like one world that encompasses close to 6 billion people. Being Jewish is a very exclusive thing, so I feel like I totally have a right to address the rest of the world as one big non-Jewish pool. Humor me please, and don't get your panties all in a bunch, because this is just me having fun. It's sort of like, if you're really into math, and you belong to your school's mathletes club, the world can be simplified into "mathletes" and "non-mathletes," people who might try to get it, but can't really understand the breadth of what it means to be a mathlete. You know what I'm trying to say.
OK, so now my little list of Jewish and Goyish things based on random stuff I encountered today. Certain friends who shared in this conversation earlier might be a little bored with some of this because it has already been discussed, but it's new to everyone else so they can deal.
Cookies
Oatmeal - Jewish
Chocolate with peanut butter chips - Goyish
Black and White cookies - Goyish
Umbrellas
Basic NYC umbrella that only really keeps your head dry and will break after a few uses - Jewish.
Monster golf umbrella that takes up half the sidewalk and makes it nearly impossible to pass when you enter a scaffolding situation - Goyish
Wooden handles on umbrellas - Goyish
Plastic handles on umbrellas - Jewish
Bread
White Bread - Goyish
Rye Bread - Jewish
Whole Wheat - Jewish
Rolls - Jewish
Heroes - Goyish
Alcohol
Vodka - Jewish
Brandy - Goyish
Jaggermeister - Goyish
Any sort of liqueur - Goyish
Budweiser - Jewish
Coors - Goyish
Non-Jewish Actors/Actresses
Brad Pitt - Goyish
George Clooney - Goyish
Julia Roberts - Jewish
Nike Nolte - Goyish
Sean Penn - Jewish
Tom Hanks - Jewish
Robert Redford - Goyish
Russell Crowe - Goyish
Ethan Hawke - Jewish
Cameron Diaz - Goyish
Toby Maguire - Jewish
Kirsten Dunst - Goyish
Anthony Hopkins - Goyish
Joseph Fiennes - Jewish
Mark Ruffalo - Jewish
Tom Cruise - Goyish
Ewan McGregor - Jewish
Will Smith - Jewish
Past Presidents
JFK - Goyish
Clinton - Jewish
Reagan - Goyish
Eisenhower - Jewish
FDR - Jewish
Nixon - Goyish
Both Bushes - Goyish
Carter - Goyish
Truman - Goyish
Ford - Jewish
Lincoln - Jewish
Washington - Goyish
Franklin Pierce - Goyish
John Quincy Adams - Jewish
Dressings
Ketchup - Jewish
Mustard - Jewish
Mayonnaise - Goyish
Ranch - Goyish
Russian - Jewish
Thousand Islands - Goyish
Oil - Jewish
Vinegar - Goyish
Fabrics
Cotton - Jewish
Silk - Goyish
Cashmere - Goyish
Regular Wool - Jewish
Articles of Clothing
Socks - Jewish
Gloves - Goyish
Ties - Goyish
Hats - Jewish
Sunglasses - Goyish
Headbands - Jewish
Vests - Goyish
Sweaters - Jewish
Turtlenecks - Goyish
Underwear - Jewish
Shirts - Goyish
Pants - Jewish
Shoes - Jewish
Sandals - Goyish
Uggz - Goyish
Clearly I can go on and on. This is just something that you get or you don't get. I haven't provided any reasoning behind any of my choices because there is no reasoning - this is just how the world works.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
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10 comments:
Daniel Radcliffe is Jewish.
Wow, that one totally caught me off guard. Off the list he goes.
I should have made another list of Jewish actors who are, specifically, Goyish. He'd totally be on the list. So would James Franco and Jake Gyllenhaal.
Mark Ruffalo?
What's wrong with Mark Ruffalo? He might as well be a brother.
I'm gonna have to strongly disagree on the black & white cookies being goyish. What's your rubric for classifying stuff? By definition, the black and white is a NYC cookie, totally Jewish.
To top it off, black and whites were featured in Seinfeld, definitely Jewish.
Not everything in "Seinfeld" was necessarily Jewish, not by a longshot. For example, most of Jerry's girlfriends, if not all, were very goyish.
As for the black and white cookie, I think it's goyish because its too aware of itself. It's so neat and a little too convenient to be Jewish. It's like "lets put the vanilla on this side and the chocolate on this side and, oh, isn't that pretty, you get both!" Not Jewish at all if you ask me. See this is me breaking out of the mold because I don't need to have to explain my choices. I will say that the black and white cookie is a little more difficult than a lot of other things to categorize, but I went out on a limb with that one. In general, I wanted to avoid questionable items, and there are many. I apologize if this one wasn't as obvious as the rest.
This is old Lenny Bruce schtick.
"Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's cakes are goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish, and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. Instant potatoes--goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are very Jewish--very Jewish cake. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime jello is goyish. Lime soda is very goyish."
Nu, there's an entire chapter on "Jewish and Goyish" in The Big Book of Jewish Humor, it's not bad either.
Yeah you're right it's totally a Lenny Bruce thing. Although I only know this because that book I mentioned, "Autograph Man," talks about him a lot and I think credits him for the whole Jewish/Goyish obsession.
want to find the German "humor" blog where they determine which "relevant" cultural items are particularly "German" or "non-German."
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